Individuality

My best friend is awesome. Awesome. Awesome.
However, I often wonder if I care more about them than they do me. It makes me a little sick to my stomach actually.
Because I know I rely on them a lot...and when something happens, they are the first person I normally want to tell. I've dealt with this feeling plenty of times in the past....and I am miles away from where I used to be...but I am sinking again. If I don't hear from my best friend, or receive a confusing message, my insecurities start to set off a siren. Healthy? No. I NEED to make myself 100% functional as an independent person. I CAN'T rely on other people to make me feel whole or good. But I do sometimes.

As a psych major I've learned about the importance of having social support and people you feel you can count on. Its not that I don't want that...I just don't want to have that sinking feeling in my stomach or that empty feeling in my chest when things aren't totally in sync.

We are so often considered to be a unit...nearly inseparable. If one of us does something it is assumed that the other is going to be there too...or that an invitation has to have both our names on it in order for it to be looked at. I'm not sure if that extends to just my friends, or my best friends friends too. Perfect example: less than 2 mins ago a friend text me and said "you two can totally come down for a visit!" I love doing things with my best friend, and I rarely tire of them, but I don't think its good to be attached at the hip right? I feel like people don't see us...or at least me as a whole person. I am just a section, probably a large section...but its like I am missing half my torso without my best friend.

What about my other best friend? Honestly I don't know what happening there. I am trying to make it work...but I find myself not sure how the put forth the effort I need to. I don't know how to be myself anymore because apparently I offend when I am. So that leaves me never knowing what to say, and thats hard. There is so much silence from me, or forced conversation where I am constantly tripping over words. I don't know how everything changed...but I hate it. It used to be so easy, now the effort required leaves me exhausted. I want it to be easy like it used to be, with hard moments rare. But now its almost always difficult. I just wish it wasn't.

So I guess I will go try and stay busy...burying my thoughts as deep as I can, because I don't know how to fix them.