Individuality

My best friend is awesome. Awesome. Awesome.
However, I often wonder if I care more about them than they do me. It makes me a little sick to my stomach actually.
Because I know I rely on them a lot...and when something happens, they are the first person I normally want to tell. I've dealt with this feeling plenty of times in the past....and I am miles away from where I used to be...but I am sinking again. If I don't hear from my best friend, or receive a confusing message, my insecurities start to set off a siren. Healthy? No. I NEED to make myself 100% functional as an independent person. I CAN'T rely on other people to make me feel whole or good. But I do sometimes.

As a psych major I've learned about the importance of having social support and people you feel you can count on. Its not that I don't want that...I just don't want to have that sinking feeling in my stomach or that empty feeling in my chest when things aren't totally in sync.

We are so often considered to be a unit...nearly inseparable. If one of us does something it is assumed that the other is going to be there too...or that an invitation has to have both our names on it in order for it to be looked at. I'm not sure if that extends to just my friends, or my best friends friends too. Perfect example: less than 2 mins ago a friend text me and said "you two can totally come down for a visit!" I love doing things with my best friend, and I rarely tire of them, but I don't think its good to be attached at the hip right? I feel like people don't see us...or at least me as a whole person. I am just a section, probably a large section...but its like I am missing half my torso without my best friend.

What about my other best friend? Honestly I don't know what happening there. I am trying to make it work...but I find myself not sure how the put forth the effort I need to. I don't know how to be myself anymore because apparently I offend when I am. So that leaves me never knowing what to say, and thats hard. There is so much silence from me, or forced conversation where I am constantly tripping over words. I don't know how everything changed...but I hate it. It used to be so easy, now the effort required leaves me exhausted. I want it to be easy like it used to be, with hard moments rare. But now its almost always difficult. I just wish it wasn't.

So I guess I will go try and stay busy...burying my thoughts as deep as I can, because I don't know how to fix them.

I don't know what happened to the other one...SO

See now, every so often I will get the urge to write. Not like a novel or even a short story, but when the desire comes I figure why not have an outlet? That is why the name of my blog is sporadically. I don't expect myself to update this regularly...or even semi-regularly.... only sporadically. (And yes, this word came into my dictionary because of Clueless... "I hope not sporadically..." etc etc.)

Before I go any further I want to say that I am extremely disappointed that this program does not have a built in thesaurus. I am terrible with word choice and use is regularly in word. You could even say that I use it the antonym of sporadically.

Why the urge now? Why suddenly do I have this desire to take what is in my noggin and lay it out? Procrastination and Frustration. I have a paper due...actually a lit review. Its 8 pages. I never thought that 8 pages wouldn't seem that long to me, but it doesn't. I can spew out 8 pages in about two days time when necessary (or even more and faster if necessary) but I just don't like to.

I am tired of school work. I am in no way shape or form tired of learning. I am just tired of having to prove that I understand. Tired of practicing skills. With the profession I plan to go into I understand that paper writing will be a part of the job, but not like this.

I could explain myself better. But then it would feel like an assignment and I don't want that. I know what I mean and I am going to not write it. Ooo...feels good.

Lets see, what else do I WANT to write (ie. Not HAVE to write)?

I somehow had it in my head that my remaining two semesters here at this lovely college were going to be easy. Nope. I was wrong. Not only do I have two stressful semesters ahead of me, but I also have a fabulous winter online class to look forward too.

I want to be done with school. Or at least this part of it. I'm 24...and I will be 25 by the time I graduate. I need to move forward. No more delay. I've had fun. Time to be an adult.

NOT that I think being an adult can't be fun, I just think that maybe I have to pause the fun for a few moments (year or two) so I can get to the fun again.

Again...I am feeling the need to say more - to explain exactly what I mean. But I don't want to. So I am stopping that thought. I understand it.

Moving on!

Maybe I will work out tonight. There are several classes I like to attend at the rec center. I am not sure if my possible work out buddy would be interested in attending one particular class. Actually I don't think they would be interesting in attending either class, but for different reasons.